In the workplace, there’s always a balance to be found between getting stuff done and building relationships with colleagues and clients. Harmony and conversational flow are essential between transactional and relational interactions. So, what does this look like in practice? Jamie explains how you can find conversational flow in every conversation and uses a typical 1:1 work meeting as an example.
You log into Zoom, ensure your video is working and you hit unmute.
From here, the meeting most likely starts with a few minutes of healthy small talk. You’re both engaged in the conversation, there are a few moments of smiles and laughter, and from the very beginning, there is a sense of warmth.
A few moments into the conversation, there is a natural pause where you both instinctively feel it’s now time to move on. You take the initiative and share your agenda for the meeting.
Then, you step back and ask what their agenda is. They build on your agenda points and suggest where to begin – you agree.
As you get down to business, there is a constant sense of warmth and respect, shown by whoever is listening at the time, who gives the person speaking space and attention. Even when you disagree or have something difficult to share, space is given to whoever is speaking, with a pause at the end of their turn to invite the other to contribute.
Occasionally, things go astray, you both forget what you were meant to talk about, get lost in a rabbit hole or are distracted by some shiny topic of conversation. In such instances, one person interjects and references the agenda of the discussion. You both move back on track. Eventually, the conversation ends; you both leave feeling like you’ve achieved something and enjoyed the conversation.
You’ve most likely had conversations like this, and they probably felt great. I call this Conversational Flow.
What is Conversational Flow?
Let’s start with what Conversational Flow isn’t.
You’ve most likely also had conversations with little to no conversational flow. Conversations where one side dominates, misses cues and ends up offending the other. Or even conversations where you went round and round in circles and finished having achieved nothing. Or even conversations where neither of you could bring yourselves to address what most needed to be addressed.
Conversational Flow is the opposite of this, as highlighted in the example above.
How do you Create Conversational Flow?
To ensure conversational flow, there are four things we must do: Read, Allow, Guide and Push:
Read the Conversation
Pay close attention to the other person and where they seem to be directing their energy in any one moment. You can notice this by focusing on three channels:
- Being
What facial expressions, body language and tone of voice are they showing? What kind of energy is their body expressing? And how does this expression of energy change and in response to what?
- Meaning
What topics, ideas and beliefs are they expressing? What seems to be important to them right now? What do they really seem to want to explore in this conversation?
- Feeling
What emotions, values or beliefs are being surfaced? How do they feel in this moment? What are the stories behind those feelings?
Pay close attention to these, and then respond by either Allowing, Guiding or Pushing, just like two partners dancing together.
Allow, Guide and Push
Allow
Sometimes, it is best to give them time and space to express what they need to say at this moment.
Maybe they have an outpouring of emotion, be it grief or excitement. Allow it. Perhaps they are curious, or stuck or have a pressing concern they need to explore with you. Allow it. Or maybe they need to be a certain way for a while. Allow it.
Allowing is all about stepping back, listening, and giving them space to express themselves as needed.
Sometimes this is what is required, but other times maybe we need to move the conversation along because we have an agenda, in which case we can Guide or Push.
Guide
Guiding is where we smoothly ease the conversation in a different direction.
Perhaps you spot an opportunity to build on what they just said with a nice transition to your agenda. Or maybe you try to move on to a topic of a different nature by easing out of the flow and waiting for them to follow. Or maybe you wait for an opportune pause and initiate the next topic of conversation.
Guiding stands in contrast to the next approach of Pushing because it is gentle, subtle and smooth. Pushing on the other hand is not.
Push
Pushing is where we force the conversation in a different direction.
Maybe they don’t stop talking, so we interrupt them. Perhaps they are avoiding something important, so you cut to the chase. Maybe you need to raise your voice and slam the table to get your message taken seriously.
It’s a more forceful, abrupt and powerful approach to changing the course of the conversation. That power comes in degrees, sometimes it is very strong, other times barely noticeable. Most likely, it will disrupt the current flow, but sometimes it can open a new flow.
Finding Conversational Flow
Once you find flow, follow it!
When the flow shifts or you need to alter it, return to reading, allowing, guiding, and/or pushing until you establish a different kind of flow.
Keep in mind that conversational flow is a process that requires ongoing attention and sensitivity, as your discussion unfolds.
If you’d like to find out more about how to upskill your leaders and managers in creating conversational flow, get in touch to discuss the bespoke workshops and webinars we can deliver for your organisation. You can also explore other topics related to improving communication on our YouTube channel.
