Jamie introduces the technique of noticing narratives, explains how to apply it, and discusses its potential benefits for communication.
If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that no matter what people say or write, they are always sharing their narrative with you, whether they mean to or not.
First, why do I use the term “narrative” rather than “story” here?
Because stories are simply what happened. But narratives are what it means to the person you’re talking with.
Narratives vs Stories
I am fascinated by the Age of Discovery, the period in history when European explorers ventured to discover new lands they hadn’t seen before, encountering people they hadn’t met.
The story of The Age of Discovery is that of two distant people making contact for the first time in history and the consequences of that contact.
But the narrative of The Age of Discovery is more complex.
In the West, we tend to hear only the narratives of European explorers and the meanings these discoveries held for them. We don’t hear so much about the inhabitants of these new lands, and what contact with the Europeans meant to them.
The story is what happened. But what happened means different things to different people – that’s the narrative, and that’s ultimately what we are most interested in when we’re getting to know someone.
Noticing narratives: a metaphor for the journey
Inspired by my reading of The Age of Discovery, I realised a great metaphor for noticing and understanding other people’s narratives: a journey.
People share 3 different types of details about their journey narrative:
- Movement
- People
- Terrain.
(I’m even doing it right now.)
Movement
Movement is about their motivation.
Motivation, at its core, is about what we are moving toward or away from. You’ll notice the movement in people’s narratives when they say things like:
- “We need to…”
- “I‘m trying to…”
- “I really don’t want…”
- “We need to avoid…”
- “We’re concerned about…”
As you notice the movement in their narrative, you can begin exploring it with them. Not only will this help you understand what’s important to them, but it can also really help them gain greater clarity.
Listen for signs of what goal they’re moving towards. How clear is the vision of that goal? Are they able to articulate what they will see, hear, or feel upon reaching that goal? Or is it vague?
Alternatively, their movement may be to move away from something. Maybe it’s something they don’t like, they don’t want, or something they’re afraid might happen. What are they trying to get away from? Sometimes people get stuck if they’re only focused on what they don’t want, so listen for any hints as to what they might want.
The final element of movement is purpose. Why are they moving in that direction? What’s the story behind that? What do they believe is going to happen if they reach their destination or if they don’t escape what they’re trying to get away from?
Interestingly, one of the biggest drivers of their motivation is likely to be the other people in their lives.
People
We are a social species.
In our hunter-gatherer age, we survived by working together in small bands. To work together, we needed acceptance from the group, which is what drives our instinctive need to belong.
These days, we belong to family, friendship, and work groups. We need acceptance from these groups because the alternative is rejection. To our hunter-gatherer brains, rejection is a death sentence because, in the hunter-gatherer age, we would most likely not survive independently.
Belonging is one component of our people-related motivations. But once we have a sense of belonging, something else becomes important.
That is status.
The more recognition we receive from the group to which we belong, the more status we attain. Perhaps that recognition is for our achievements, our contributions to the group, or our adherence to a certain set of values.
Now pause and think about the people around you right now – maybe your colleagues sitting around your workplace, the strangers hovering around you in a coffee shop or on a train, or the neighbours living near your home. Think about them and pay attention to how much of what they do is for the purpose of belonging or status.
The brand names they wear signal which group they belong to. The designer handbag or the latest smartphone signals status. The way they ‘creep’ to a senior leader at work shows how much they want to belong. The way in which a senior leader appears to relish commanding others to undertake the most trivial tasks highlights how much they enjoy status.
Another aspect of this people dimension is a person’s identity, including how they see themselves in relation to others and their duties towards them.
That high-paying job your colleague took, that they didn’t really like, was so they could provide a better life for their family. The extra effort the train driver took to look after the passengers when the train broke down was because they cared about everyone’s wellbeing. And the leader who refuses to play politics just isn’t that kind of person.
People will share clues about how other people have shaped their motivation by saying things such as:
- “My boss expects…”
- “The industry best practice is…”
- “They will be very happy if…”
- “Everyone else…”
- “They won’t allow…”
So, pay attention to who is behind the movement in their narrative. Who are they trying to please? Whose expectations are they trying to match? Is this about belonging, status or identity?
Terrain
Their narrative unfolds across a landscape.
There are paths leading to places and away from places. There are destinations in the distance, and dangers behind. There are obstacles on the way. There are resources they can use.
They’ll share clues about the terrain when they say things like:
- “We don’t have the…”
- “We’ve tried this before…”
- “I’m not sure how…”
- “What we can do is…”
- “I can’t get…”
It’s really fascinating to listen to what they see in their world. For example, is the destination they’re moving towards clearer, or is the fear they’re avoiding clearer? How near or far are they? Is there a path or not? What’s blocking their way? What do they think could help them?
I mentioned (above) that I’m sharing my narrative right now. The Story Habit Blog houses entries centred around how to communicate and interact with people. Blogposts often describe the pathways I see, the destinations I see, and the dangers I see.
These entries are ways I’ve navigated social situations and hope my reflections are as useful to you as they are to me. Creating content and sharing my knowledge and expertise through my workshops and coaching is the movement in my narrative – to provide a good life for my family, and doing something that is meaningful to me, that will make me feel proud when I tell other people (that’s the people part of my narrative).
Noticing Narratives: Actions and Takeaways
Clock the conversations you have – with the Amazon courier, your neighbour watering their plants or the barista at the coffee shop. Start a dialogue, then listen to what they share with you. You will pick up at least hints of what narrative is shaping their minds in this very moment.
Perhaps the Amazon courier is pleased to have a pleasant, easy day, knowing that in a few hours they can go home and be with their family. That’s movement.
Maybe your neighbour watering their plants is in a good mood because their son is coming home from university for the weekend and they haven’t seen him in a long time. That’s people.
The barista may be frustrated because you’re the fifth customer in the last hour who has requested oat milk, but they can’t serve any because the latest delivery has been delayed. That’s terrain.
People can’t help but leak out their narrative. All you have to do is notice it.
Noticing narratives is one technique to help you hold “Change Making Conversations” – our dedicated workshop delves into the concepts of noticing narratives, conversational flow, predictable safety and how to build trust through genuine lasting relationships. Contact us to discuss how we can help.
