Jamie previously explored how understanding your interactions and reading situations can help you build positive relationships that support effective collaboration. But how do you apply that knowledge once you’ve identified the dynamics?

Using The Story Habit’s three-step “Relate, Challenge, Resolve” process, Jamie shares practical strategies for balancing relationships and transactions, using your influence wisely and strengthening stakeholder engagement.

The Miracle of Relationships

When I lived in China, I visited so many factories that I started to see just how much our modern economy depends on a myriad of relationships.

Take for example something as simple as the remote control for your TV. It might not seem like much, but it is an absolute miracle that can only exist because of a global network of relationships.

To produce a remote control, you need raw materials some of which are probably extracted by miners in Africa, which are then processed by one company, then shipped to China by another company, then transported from the docks to the factory by another company, where they are then used in the manufacturing process by another company. The same process applies for the plastic and rubber involved, and even the pigments that form the colour of the buttons!

On top of this, you need companies to recruit the workers at each step of this process, a company that manages the workers, suppliers that that company depends on, and on and on and on.

And that’s just for a remote control. The miracle of the modern world is a direct result of this network of relationships spread throughout.

When we build relationships, we create a unique kind of value.

But not all relationships are created equal. Some are simple, shallow and short-lived, whereas others are special, deep and long-lasting.

So how do we get the most from relationships? This is the question I want to address in this article.

But note that I said “get the most from our relationship”, and not “from each other”. This is the difference between an exchange-based relationship and a synergistic relationship.

Exchanged-Based vs Synergistic Relationships

In an exchange-based relationship, we simply exchange things like our time, resources, services, abilities etc. with one another. For example, I give you money and you do a service for me. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. But most likely an exchange-based relationship is not realising the full potential of the relationship, because if all we’re doing is exchanging one thing for another, then we may very easily be able to replace each other with someone else who can make exactly the same exchange.

In a synergistic relationship, we create a unique value that can only by created by our relationship. A bit like how a guitarist, bass player, drummer and singer come together and create a truly unique sound that cannot be replicated by anyone but them. In work, we see this when two creative minds from different backgrounds (e.g. a designer and an engineer) come together to create a truly unique product, or two businesses (e.g. a marketing agency and a nutritional supplement company) come together to create a truly unique brand.

To realise the full potential of a relationship with a stakeholder, we should strive for a synergistic relationship. Of course, this is not always necessary, sometimes it is overkill, sometimes all we need is a simple exchange and job done.

But if we do want to build a truly remarkable stakeholder relationship, then to be remarkable it must result in a value that can only be created by that relationship.

This is where we can use my “Relate, Challenge, Resolve” process.

Driving Stakeholder Engagement using “Relate, Challenge, Resolve”

Relate
First, build a personal relationship with them and a strong foundation of trust.

Challenge
With that strong foundation of trust, we can now challenge each other to establish the possibilities of our relationship and see how we can transition from a simple exchange-based relationship to a synergistic relationship.

Resolve
Having now established how to create the most value through our relationship, we can now resolve to create that value by developing the structures to bring that to life.

The goal here, is to settle on structures (think processes, roles, responsibilities, rules etc.) that will help us get the most from our relationship.

The most critical part of this process is the Challenge part. Because in order to figure out what the full potential of this relationship could be, we need to play about a bit, we need to test each other, we need to establish what the boundaries of possibility are, what works and what doesn’t work, and that all requires a lot of stepping out of our comfort zones together.

The Challenge part may require some difficult conversations, it may require some risk, vulnerability perhaps, and none of this is possible without the strong foundations of trust that we established when we started Relating to them.

And hopefully, through this process of Challenging each other, we discover our potential. Once we have a vision of what could be, it is time to lay down some structures (roles, responsibilities, processes etc.) to facilitate us bringing this vision to life. This is the Resolve part, where we resolve how we are going to realise the value of this relationship.

In a perfect world, we could allow this process to unfold organically. But in today’s world, such an organic pace is generally too slow for our modern demands. In today’s world, we need results fast. So, if you want to get results fast, then let me share the most critical elements of this process…

Stakeholder Engagement on Steroids

One thing I have observed is that there are some people who seem to attract a lot of trouble, whereas there are others like myself who hardly ever attract trouble.

I have observed in my own interactions, compared to those of people who frequently get into disagreements, arguments and sometimes even fights, that I tend to show consideration to the other person from the very beginning, whereas those who attract trouble do the opposite and show disrespect.

As an example, over the last few months I have been taking driving lessons. Yes, I am almost 40 and still can’t drive, but that’s another story. For these lessons, I obviously have an instructor, but the instructor has a manager who manages their calendar, so every time I book lessons I have to go through the manager. And the manager is fierce.

From the very beginning of each conversation she is on the defensive, constantly trying to protect herself and her instructor from time wasters. Without letting me finish a sentence, she will coldly explain to me the consequences of not making a lesson on time or cancelling with less than 24 hours notice, as if she assumes I am going to do such things (I guess she’s had a lot of bad experiences).

This cold attitude persisted until about my 5^th conversation with her, where I started the conversation with “How are you today?” It just so happened that this was a day where she had a concern on her mind, and we now had enough exchanges for her to feel comfortable sharing that with me:

“I’m actually a bit nervous, I’ve got a dentist appointment to remove a tooth later on today… Anyways, about your lessons…”

I responded by sharing how my wife had recently had a similar procedure and how nervous it made her feel. And at the end of the conversation I wished her all the best with her dentist appointment.

And just like that, the coldness turned to warmth, and she was no longer on the defensive every time she spoke to me. It took a while to get there, but by showing consistent consideration for her and the instructor she was so diligently protecting, I established trust and communication became much easier.

Stakeholder Engagement: “Relate”

This is key to the Relate phase of this stakeholder engagement process. From the very beginning, we want to show consideration for them. Whether it be letting them share what’s on their mind, trying to understand what’s really important to them, or remembering a seemingly trivial personal detail that actually means a lot to them. It’s not rocket science.

This helps establish trust because it shows them from the very beginning that we are here to help them and not hurt them. And when researching my book The Story Habit, after learning how the brain uses prediction to perceive the world, I realised that prediction was the key to trust as well. When the other person feels that they can easily predict that we will help them and not hurt them, we establish trust.

So, from the very beginning, do what you can to make it easier for them to predict that you are there to help them and not hurt them. Listen to them, show you understand their needs, share your intentions and motivations, be honest about what you can and can’t do. Just make yourself a predictably helpful person.

And with trust established, follow through on that! Because the moment they realise their predictions were wrong, is the moment they lose all trust in you and you then have to work ten times harder to build that back up again because now they can predict that you are unpredictable.

Stakeholder Engagement: “Challenge”

With trust established you can now move to the Challenge phase. This is where you collaboratively explore boundaries and possibilities and create a vision of your relationship’s potential. This involves a lot of stepping into the unknown, which in turn involves a lot of vulnerability.

If the key to the Relate phase is predictability, then the key to the Challenge phase is autonomy. Pushing people into the unknown will mean they then predict we are likely to push them again into the unknown, and as that is an unpleasant experience that means hurting them. But guiding them to the unknown, like leading a horse to water, and leaving it up to them to take the final step into the unknown, gives them autonomy.

I have learnt through experience of delivering workshops that autonomy is what puts people instantly at ease. If I have a group of people who’ve been forced to attend my workshop by their boss or HR department, the first thing I’ll say to them is “If you need to leave at any time, I completely understand”. Ironically, when you treat adults like adults they respond in turn by acting like adults!

Got some negative feedback for them? Then give it to them like an adult. Don’t judge them, just share the objective facts, what happened and what the impact of that was. Don’t share suggestions, unless they explicitly ask for those, let them figure out the solution by themselves because they’re an adult. Acknowledge where you might be wrong, because you’re not better than them. And remember, they are an adult, sometimes they’ll appreciate you giving it to them straight more than hiding things from them.

Got something urgent that needs to be done with them? Then remember, they’re an adult, if you have a genuinely good reason for needing their help urgently, they’ll understand. Make those reasons be known, if they have different opinions then listen to those, work together to establish the best thing for this relationship.

Predictability is key for the Relate phase, and autonomy is key for the Challenge phase, so what is key for the final phase?

Stakeholder Engagement: “Resolve”

Agility is key for the Resolve phase.

In the Resolve phase we are establishing structures and ways of working that will facilitate our ongoing collaboration. We are suggesting next steps, plans, processes, roles, responsibilities and so on.

But agility is important, because these structures that will facilitate our collaboration need to evolve over time. What we plan from the beginning most likely will have to change over time. In fact, we may even over plan things, and subsequently discover our plans don’t work and all that time spent planning was wasted.

And by this point, we need to keep what we established in the Relate and Challenge phases. We must maintain the predictability that we are here to help them and not hurt them, and we must continue to respect their autonomy.

So instead of imposing ways of working, suggest them, invite them to share their ideas and work together to agree on a next step forward.

And to avoid tiny bugs growing into giant mountains, come together at frequent intervals to review how things are working for both of you and how to optimise your collaboration.

And don’t forget to remind yourselves of that vision you are working towards, and to review whether or not that is what you still want to work towards.

Idealistic or Realistic?

Whilst reading that last section about treating people like adults and giving them autonomy etc., I can imagine some of you thinking that simply won’t work with your stakeholders. Because, indeed there are plenty of people out there who are very difficult to work with.

But I believe if they are difficult to work with, you both will struggle to get the most out of your relationship. Either, due to circumstances beyond both of your control they have been thrust too far into the unknown and cannot get over feeling vulnerable, or they are simply a psychopath and will always be difficult!

If it’s the former, and they’re difficult behaviour is simply because they are too far into the unknown, then there is hope, and starting by establishing the predictability of you helping them get what they need is key. But if it’s the former, and they are genuinely a psychopath (apparently 1 in 100 people are psychopaths so this is more common than you might think) then they will always be difficult regardless of the circumstances and you should avoid working with them if you can.

And if you really can’t establish a synergistic relationship with them, then settle for a simple exchange-based relationship. Sometimes we just have to make do!

Stakeholder engagement is an art. And the art lies in reading the situation and responding appropriately. Get good at reading what the situation calls for and you will master the art of stakeholder engagement.

My upcoming webinar on Wednesday, 2nd April shares more on how to communicate with impact and strengthen stakeholder engagement.