Keeping conversations in a state of flow allows us to build relationships and ensure we get things done. The thing that sustains flow is trust. So how should we behave in a conversation to build and keep that trust? Jamie shares the concept of predictable safety.

A practical way of thinking about trust is this:

Trust is the belief that we can predict that another person will help, or at least not hurt us.

In other words, we want to come across as predictably safe.

Toxic people are not predictably safe. They are either unpredictable, or predictably dangerous.

Some examples:

  • a toxic leader behaves differently each day, sometimes praising their team members, other times berating them.
  • a toxic colleague is so easily offended you don’t dare bring up certain topics around them.
  • a difficult client goes from super appreciative to threatening to tear up the contract, so much so that each time you see their name on your phone your heart jumps in terror.

Every interaction we have with the other person builds a story in their mind of who we are. They then use their story to predict how we will behave.

If the other person predicts that we are going to be respectful, that we are not going to judge, that we are going to listen and so on, they are much more likely to open up to us.

Predictable safety: a simple framework

A simple framework for thinking about predictable safety is TRRAC, it stands for Transparency, Relatedness, Respect, Ability and Consistency.

Transparency

If the person you’re communicating with knows what your intent is, or why you are doing something, that makes it much easier to predict what you will do next.

But obviously not all intents are created equal. Sometimes our intent has no benefit for them, other times our intent has taken their interests into consideration.

For example, I remember once at a dinner with friends, I got chatting to a man who was a friend of a friend. He mentioned that he still lives with his parents. Without stopping to question my intent, I blurted out “How old are you?”. He rather awkwardly replied “29”. That was the end of that conversation!

Act mindfully, especially in your earliest interactions with people as you are still establishing trust. Question your own intent. Why are you doing this? Are you just doing this for you? Have you even considered their needs?

So during a conversation, maybe you want to ask them a sensitive question, so explain why. Maybe you interrupt them suddenly, so explain why. Maybe you have a very upfront request – explain why.

Relatedness

You can very easily predict how you will behave in given situations, because it’s you. You know you! And a shortcut to being predictably safe is to help the other person discover just how much like them you are.

They can’t stand people talking on their phones on public transport and neither can you. They’re the kind of person that prefers a cosy night in with a good movie and a hot chocolate and so are you. They once got in big trouble at school for secretly leaving chewing gum on the teacher’s chair and somehow you did exactly the same thing!

Discovering our relatedness unleashes tiny moments of joy: the moment we realise we both support the same football team, or we both detest the concept of birthdays, or we both lived in the same foreign country. Whatever it is, the more of themselves they see in you, the more predictably safe you become.

Respect

If you show the person you’re talking to respect, then of course you will be viewed as someone who will not threaten their safety.

The easiest way to do this is to simply listen.

Give them the space they need to express what they need to. And as they do so, show you are listening and reflect on your understanding of what they said.

But on a deeper level, trust is built by respecting their sense of status. Insults, criticisms, threats all threaten a person’s sense of status. So, whatever they share with us, we must withhold judgement when reflecting back, and show only understanding.

If you feel the need to share an opinion on what they said, then pause. Think, why am I sharing this?

If your intent considers their needs, then explain why you are sharing this (for transparency). Also, avoid implying you are higher status than them by sharing how you could be wrong and you want to hear their thoughts.

Status comes with a bit more nuance than meets the eye. You may be reading this and very well assume that it’s best to lower our status and elevate the other person’s status to make them feel comfortable. But this is not always the case.

There are times when the person we’re communicating with perceive us as higher status, for example if we are viewed by them as their teacher, mentor or leader. In which case, purposefully lowering our status may actually shatter their predictions of us, maybe they expect us to know something for sure for example.

Tread carefully. But generally, pay attention, listen to them, reflect your understanding of their needs, share any intent you have to serve their needs, and don’t judge (unless they expect you to).

Ability

Sometimes the other person’s trust is dependent on us meeting their expectations. Maybe we need to help them solve a problem, perhaps they’re paying us to deliver a service, or they could be entrusting us with an important task. We need to help them predict that we can actually do that.

If they’ve seen you work before, or your abilities were recommended by someone they trust, then trust will most likely already be there. But if not, then how do we prove our ability?

A simple approach is to share insights, stories and even opinions that help you to build credibility. Maybe you’ve got some really helpful advice for them they hadn’t considered before, or a story of a time you did what they’re looking for, or you have an opinion on how to go about things that makes a lot of sense.

If you can share something that helps them feel like you know what you’re talking about (and ideally follow through on any promises you make), that will help them predict more easily that you can do what they need you to do.

Consistency

Predictions are heavily influenced by past experiences. If you’ve behaved the same way consistently enough, it’s only natural to predict you’ll behave the same way again.

We all have different selves. There’s the self that you bring to work, the self that comes out when you’re with your grandma, and the self that you are when you’re on your own.

But what can really put people off is when they experience multiple selves of you that don’t have much in common.

For example, whenever I work in London I have observed numerous times people walking out of their swanky offices, with their fitted suits and slick hairstyles, to then enter a pub and  become a completely different person. They transform from a top-notch executive to borderline football hooligan after several drinks.

Ideally, whatever situation someone meets us in, be it at work, with close friends or after several drinks, our traits are still there to be seen, not suppressed – simply expressed differently.

Another example, maybe you are very introverted.

When on your own this is expressed by spending a lot of time walking and thinking or sitting and reading. When with friends it is expressed by listening more than talking, and thinking a lot before talking a little. And maybe around the right people you start to open up a bit more with an outpouring of all the deep thoughts and insights you’ve been nurturing in your thinking time.

This is something that requires great self-awareness:

  • Who are you exactly?
  • What are your values?
  • What are your beliefs?
  • What are your biggest strengths?
  • What are your childhood traits?

With greater self-awareness comes the confidence to express our true self, in healthy ways, in all situations. And with that people will experience more consistency with you, which ultimately helps to build trust.

Trust Opens Doors

As you establish and strengthen trust, you are perceived as safe.

The safer you are, the more the person you’re communicating with lowers their guard and opens up to you.

And as they open up, the best thing you can do for them is to listen.

Really listen.

 

To support the concept of predictable safety, our dedicated workshop/webinar explores “Change Making Conversations” – how to build trust through genuine lasting relationships, and influence and persuade in the moment through conversation. Contact us to discuss how we can help.